The World is Indeed Flat

I would know, considering I fell off of the edge and returned..

Seriously feels that way. I honestly don't know why I stopped blogging. There is plenty to blog about.

It's senior year baaaaaaybeeeh!

(Random but I had to write it *hopeless*)

I have mixed feelings about that. Graduation needs to happen. Since my last post, I've moved to the dorms and have been commuting back and forth between Qatar (where my folks moved) and UAE.

Dorm life has been different, nothing like what I imagined it would be. It has its ups and downs but in the end its just like any other roller coaster ride, you just have to sit back and enjoy cuz when all is said and done and you find yourself back home you can be sure you'll miss it like hell.

Senior year seemed so far away till it finally came around, now it seems to have come from no where and it's got me thinking. Thinking the notorious senior question "What comes next?"

Normally a senior ought to be thinking of where they want to work, we have to choose a company to intern at this month. I want to intern here in UAE, not sure which emirate if I did. The option is open to intern in a company in Qatar. There are plus sides to both and while the decision is unimportant enough to flip a coin on, I think I might go with listing the pros and cons and pretend I'm one of those super responsible folk who actually put deep thought into things like that.

I'm bored. God damn the thieving pig who stole my PS2, all its games AND the memory card (may they be triple damned just for that).

I'll be blogging more from today.

|| Dont hold your breath on that.||

We used to be friends, a long time ago

They kiss and make up. That's what friends do. Or so I'm told. I mean it usually goes, I apologize for harsh tone or harsh words used when my temper flares and she accepts. She always accepts. Accepts that yes I was the one out of line or too hot blooded and that yes it's nice that I realize that and apologize.

It seems to never occur to her that my apologizing solves nothing. On average we fight almost every month and every single time it's about the same damned thing (just slightly different context). The last fight we had was a couple of days ago. I was so done. I told her I was done and she said fine. Not 'ok, because we are friends let's try and work things out as friends.' She said "fine". If she wasn't going to give a damn why should I? I told myself I wasn't going to care anymore. I mean after all it seems to be a common fault with all of my so called friends so why the hell should I be bothered by one more sharing the common fault demoninator? Against my aforementioned intentions, Z convinced me otherwise. She made good points despite one of them being that friends should always talk out their differences. I used to believe that even when I never could actually muster up the nerve to do it. Then when I finally did, that friendship completely dissolved faster than 'kool aid' in water - and apparently by social technicality the fault is placed on me. That's exactly the sorta crap that pisses me off and I feel like if that's what it comes down to who needs friends? Their was a time when I only had online friends. No real life physical there in your face friends. No work, no drama and I could honestly say I never felt that empty hallow feeling that real life friends leave. I miss those days.

I don't even know why I'm writing all of this. In the end it changes nothing and people will be people. Boredom and being alone are the two worst sucking combination.

Death's Aura

Title explicitly states the content of this post, so if you are one that doesn't like to read or think about the subject you should skip this entry and wait for one of my better moods.

How does one cope with what they can't even speak about?? It’s not usually a subject I like to think about, sure about my own death I am curious and wonder how my end will be – but as for thinking of the death of others (with the exception of one person) especially friends, I don’t. Some things happened earlier today, during my extra long break (11:00-2:00) and for the rest of the break I really couldn’t think of anything else. It’s the one question that I could never ask myself and was asked a few times before by others but could never respond to. The question is/was: “What would I do in the event of losing a close friend?” Simultaneously two answers come to mind: “I’ve never had a friend who died.” and “Her.” What about her? Simplified; she was just a person I happened to know. Her sister and I always had this love/hate/respect relationship going, but me and “her”, well she just happened to be in the places I usually was in. She just happened to share lots of the same interests as I had… She just happened to be shy and quiet as I was.. She just happened to like jelly beans as much as I did.. She just happened to always be around to keep me company when I couldn’t bare mixing with the others.. And she also just happened to be the one that hung back with me whenever everyone else was going to take part in some mischief and I’d shrink back for fear of what my parents would do if they caught me doing or heard I was participating in such activities. She was the one that stood by me when the others would jeer at me for being too chicken to take part. Yet, when she got sick and went to the hospital, I couldn’t even write her a letter, too ashamed to show I cared or was worried. She never did get well again and when she died, mother gave me the news. I shrugged my shoulders and said I didn’t know her that well and it wasn’t like we were close or even friends anywayz. If after all she had done she still wasn’t considered a friend, what defines friend from mere acquaintance, close friend from friend? To this day I still regret not at least acknowledging to her that she was a friend or even someone I cared about. Even knowing that she was really sick, it just didn’t really seem fathomable that someone you know/knew, hung out with would die.. death came for other people’s grandparents, great aunts/uncles, really old people no one bothered to really think about anymore and of course people you never knew never met and just read about in the newspapers. I couldn’t do it back then and I still have some trouble expressing it now. Some, I think, actually understand why, but then of course there are a few that believe the influence of going to school amongst those who have slight to acute issues in gender confusion, is finally starting to show its negative affects ( I might tell an “off color” joke here and there but that totally doesn’t mean I swing the other way.. ) That is very much not the reason for my expressions, and yet I wonder, I may not have regrets in regards to telling them how much they mean to me but does that make coping any easier?

“Sometimes you have to max out the good times with the people you love/care about because before you know it they’re gone”

“She” asked me for one simple thing and I couldn’t do it, more like I wouldn’t/was too shy to and refused. Her sister told me later that “she” had cried. The opportunity was there. A year, maybe more.. I don’t have the right to ask her to forgive me.

=)

Remember when we used to do this? ;P

Innocence Lost..

As soon as I got home today from uni, I went straight for the shop downstairs. The door was glass (hmm is there any shop door that isn’t glass..) and when I went to leave I noticed a small boy about 3 or 4 years old standing on the outside of the door. This is like the stupidest door cuz to go in u have to pull it outside towards you. Poor kid couldn’t reach the door handle so he just stood there, he probably knocked on the door but no one had taken note. He had cute innocent looking eyes mashalla. They appeared to shine when he realized the door was finally going to be opened. Made me feel nostalgic. When we were kids everything was simple. An innocent world where our parents were the biggest heroes who would protect us from everything, including the silly things we’d imagine would come out from our closets, under our beds or from what I remember vividly; a stain in the wall which my older sister had told me the boogieman would come out from at night if I wasn’t asleep. A world where wars and tragedies was something we might have heard the grown ups talking about but didn’t understand. Nothing much outside of our houses and families mattered or had any importance. Others were either friends or just people you never noticed and friends were friends we’d never fathom would one day not be our friends or would go away or die – those things just were beyond the realm of understanding in that time of innocence. It’s almost worthy of envy how free of the headache inducing complex situations and stress they are immune to.

I’m really not in the mood to post and it’d be fitting if I stop here before I end up b****ing about today and everything else that’s wrong with this screwed over world.