Saturday, January 30, 2010

We used to be friends, a long time ago

They kiss and make up. That's what friends do. Or so I'm told. I mean it usually goes, I apologize for harsh tone or harsh words used when my temper flares and she accepts. She always accepts. Accepts that yes I was the one out of line or too hot blooded and that yes it's nice that I realize that and apologize.

It seems to never occur to her that my apologizing solves nothing. On average we fight almost every month and every single time it's about the same damned thing (just slightly different context). The last fight we had was a couple of days ago. I was so done. I told her I was done and she said fine. Not 'ok, because we are friends let's try and work things out as friends.' She said "fine". If she wasn't going to give a damn why should I? I told myself I wasn't going to care anymore. I mean after all it seems to be a common fault with all of my so called friends so why the hell should I be bothered by one more sharing the common fault demoninator? Against my aforementioned intentions, Z convinced me otherwise. She made good points despite one of them being that friends should always talk out their differences. I used to believe that even when I never could actually muster up the nerve to do it. Then when I finally did, that friendship completely dissolved faster than 'kool aid' in water - and apparently by social technicality the fault is placed on me. That's exactly the sorta crap that pisses me off and I feel like if that's what it comes down to who needs friends? Their was a time when I only had online friends. No real life physical there in your face friends. No work, no drama and I could honestly say I never felt that empty hallow feeling that real life friends leave. I miss those days.

I don't even know why I'm writing all of this. In the end it changes nothing and people will be people. Boredom and being alone are the two worst sucking combination.

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