Changes

Emotions are really something. You can experience and feel them in so many vivid ways yet no matter how much you try there are just some that can't be explained. Like what I feel right now for my blog. It seems like I've neglected it and decided not to look back, truth is it comes to my mind every day - I just don't have words for it... Sometimes I feel the same way about people (I know people and things shouldn't be put in the same category...), well the people I care about anywayz - isn't it ironic how things are so much less complicated with the people that don't mean anything to you. It's like you always know where you stand with them, everything in two shades; either black or white. With those that mean anything to u it's always a million and one shades. White can never be white with them, it has to be off white or eggshell white or gray tint... Sometimes I really want to hang out with someone but then when I think about it I simply don't have anything to say to them. There are plenty of times I pick up my phone with intention to call someone, sometimes the feeling is so random that I look through the contacts in search of someone I feel like talking to. I can't say how many times i've looked through my overflowing list and have reached the end with not a single thing in mind to say to a single person. That feeling at that time is something I can't explain. It makes me feel bad though, so I ignore people. In this case it's the reason I ignored blogging..not that I really felt bad for not blogging all this time, but I guess I sorta missed it.

I don't really have anything to say right now either. Boredom.. lack of an actual person to talk to once I leave uni and even there, it's almost like you have to make friends all over again heck, forget friends acquaintences even. More often than not I wished I could go off some place where I could be left alone and wouldn't have to deal with anyone. In a way it seems that wish has come true. It's peaceful without any of my folks around and don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that I miss them or anything... Maybe it's best I don't continue on that thought...

I want to make so many changes. But it seems the changes I actually managed to accomplish or attain are all in the wrong directions. Sometimes I feel like one of those fluorescent lights that flicker before they die out. Sometimes I wonder if things turn out the way they do because I rush change instead of taking it one step at a time.. Whenever I'm undecided or attempting to rush into a change, stories I've read in the paper come back to mind. Stories of uni students that have died in car accidents or whatever here.. its rare for the whatever though and the most vivid stories in my mind are the ones that died in car accidents. I can't help but think what's the point of making a big deal over where u study, what u study or what grade u get.. I know it's not everyone who dies in car accidents but I can't help but think that those girls probably all had aspirations and whatever, gave thought to what they'd study, made schedules for what they'd study, looked forward to the day they'd finally graduate and probably even imagined getting jobs after graduating. Did the thought ever come to mind that they might die before ever reaching graduation??.. In the end a 0.0 or 1.0 GPA didn't matter much from a 4.0 GPA.

Why does change have to be associated with such conflicting feelings? Maybe it's a sign, when certain changes that you wish for or that u've made make u feel ungrateful. Sometimes I think that if I were to be granted everything I wish for I'd still find in the end that I wasn't happy and would want things different... In the end nothing really seems to have a point...