Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Life's definitely a "Chalba"

Ever woke up one morning and realized that at any moment or any day you could die and then you stop and think, “What have I done? What have I accomplished?” There are times when I hate to entertain thoughts like that but in the end it’s the truth. It puts the fear of hell into me. When I wake up in the morning with that feeling I put it in my mind to do something about it from that moment, next thing I know the morning becomes afternoon and afternoon becomes evening and I’m in bed again scratching my head trying to come up with a single deed I might have done during the day that I could honestly say *might* save me from hell. I hate to think about it but sometimes it seems pretty likely that I would end up in hell. I try to think what hell would actually be like and what it’d be like to go there and knowing that I’d probably never get out.. in a way it’s beyond my imagination – or rather my imagination doesn’t want to imagine it. I try to imagine paradise and wonder if I really do want to go there or do I just say and feel that I want that as a result of hearing/reading that’s where people should want to go so many times. Of course I don’t wanna go to hell but do I have a right to say I wanna go to paradise and then think that that is going to happen cuz I say I want it. I start to think of things I can do to change where I might end up and then wonder would it really make any difference to even do any of those things when I’m probably getting serious ithm for hating most of my family. I really wish things were different and that we could all get along but they’re such self centered egotistical people it really makes me sick.. and I guess in the end I’m no better than them for not being patient and tolerant of them. What a crap life.


katheria said...

"What have I done? What have I accomplished?" <-- I have these thoughts every single day. The dread of wasting time on stupid things that will get us nowhere never ceases to make me sick to the stomach, yet no sooner than that, I go back to doing them.

As for hating most of your family... I dunno. I may not be in the correct line of thought but: I think having challenges in our lives, whether they are family members that we can't tolerate or something else. I keep thinking that these things are tests of patience.

Again, I don't know if this is correct line of thought but; I think we are not only judged about where we end up being but also on how we got there. For example, with studying for an exam, did we actually study for a long time, did we only study from notes and got lucky with the questions, did we cheat, and so on.

I may just be rambling. But I guess what I want to say is, be patient and hang in there.

Bookworm said...

Quite agree with everything kath said..