Thursday, May 24, 2007

Don’t expect much of others..

Stepping away from life really does do plenty of good for a person.. True it wasn’t a full out break but it was enough for me to set out in search of myself. I found what I was looking for too, much to my relief.. It’s greatly disconcerting not knowing where someone/something dear to you is, not knowing if they are dead or alive, just left hanging. I couldn’t take it anymore so I said my farewells to life and the living and went out searching. I found “myself” locked away in a prison for the crimes it had committed. That in itself was a relief but even better was the promise that “myself” would be released early on account of good behavior if it really wanted out of prison. That of course depends on how badly “myself” wants out.. but I think that shouldn’t even warrant a question or least I’m hoping “myself” wants out as much as I want it out.

I found the answer to half my problems in listing all my faults and keeping track of them with a self-imposed point system. I love games played for points.. obsessed with them maybe is more like it, so this is working pretty well for the time being. I’m betting that by the time I get bored with it I’ll already be in the habit of avoiding or doing whatever so I won’t need the point system anymore.

Reminds me of the saying Omar bin Khattab (RA) said: “Account yourselves before you will be taken to account, measure your deeds before they are measured for you on the Day of Judgement. It will ease your burden tomorrow if you account your deeds yourself today.”

I’m generally not the hand holding type but I’m grateful for the hand that was extended to me by a certain friend, she held my hand for as long as I needed it =) Those cookies were hardly befitting of a proper “thanx” but I guess one has to start somewhere right? Rabee Yahfadthich..ameen.

It was her idea to think of the “source” of my problems. I thought and thought and first pinned the blame totally on anger. I’ve always had a “warm” temper, ok at times it’s blazing but lately it’s been off the charts and I’ve been going off at the slightest things. I searched around and found an Online Anger Management course. I felt better thinking I’d enroll and that would be the cure for my temper. It dawned on me later when I was wondering if I expect too much from myself – the answer to that is the contrary I expect less and that’s why “myself” is locked away. I expect too much of people, no matter who they are or what background they are from be it religious or otherwise. There’s nothing wrong with thinking the best of people but in my case I get worked up if they act otherwise. It’s stupid, I know. People have God given freedom to act as they please whether right or wrong and it’s not my place to give a rat’s eye about it. They wanna act like heathens let them.

“Don’t expect much of people and you won’t be disappointed.”

Coach or whoever can say whatever they like and it wouldn’t surprise or offend me in the least cause I wasn’t expecting them to act any better anyways and in the end they’re only making an ass out of themselves. That definitely was good to remember when I looked at my results for this semester and found I had gotten a D from Monsieur Islamic Culture and a B+ from H.R.H Mr. Arabic.. I’d bet anything that he didn’t even bother to mark any of our exams. He still hadn’t bothered marking or giving us the results (guess u can’t well do that if u didn’t mark them in the first place) of our first and second midterms. I’m guessing he probably just glanced over our final exams if anything and pulled any marks out of the air to slap down on our report cards. I will not get worked up about any of that though, Islamic nor Arabic. I thought I worked pretty hard this semester but I guess in the end it wasn’t hard enough. No matter, next semester inshalla I so plan to roll up my sleeves and get down with that work even if I have to strangle out each A+ ( I got one lone A, three B’s – two of which were pluses and that damning D this semester.) My last words on the subject: I.Have.Learnt.My.Lesson. ;)

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these past couple of days and aside from everything else I’ve finally come to terms with losing Bu6i (for those of you who may not know what 6 is, it represents the Arabic letter “ta” pronounced like “ta” in tall). Hats off to the little guy, he always wanted to explore beyond whatever I set as his boundaries and in the end he finally went beyond. He bargained me in return for exploring what was beyond the gate and I sincerely hope he’s getting all what he bargained for. I like to imagine that he’s with some super rich family that is totally into the whole spoil-your-pet thing and he’s comfortable inshalla. I miss him and if by chance I am in position in the next life to be requesting anything I will definitely request for him – tiger sized, extra soft and ultra cuddly albeit his size =P

Did I tell you guys how fortunate I think I am (Praise the Lord), fortunate to have some really great friends, fortunate to have gotten into uni this semester, fortunate to have passed Islamic by a hair, heck, before all of that fortunate to be living even if at times it’s dreadful business.. Aaaaand..Ready for the crown of all that fortune? Mother Dearest is going on holiday this summer to see Grandfather, WAIT it gets better Aaaaand she’s taking my brat kid brother with her! (The brat is 16 going on 17..or maybe 15 going on 16, sheesh I don’t know and really couldn’t careless but it sure would be bliss not having to see his cocky tail strutting around..) Hold your breath folks there’s bonus, yes I said bonus, the keys to the coonie mobile (nickname for mother’s car) will be left in my grateful hands… it’s very possible EL Hazard could die happy this summer. Course my nagging sister will be here but the club is just a short drive away. I just gots to deposit her over there and they’ll sister-sit her for the price of ice skating lessons, is that not super? Ya rabb please don’t let mother cancel her plans at the last minute.

Hmm, I think I’ve just about said all there is to be said. Oh yeah, during my off time I made a new blog that I was just posting pics to, I found it calming at times when I felt ready to burst. If any of you guys are interested the link is in my profile.


Dragon said...

I'm glad you found yourself. I wish I wasn't a stranger to you.
Course, I already found myself (happened earlier this year) and I am more than happy with the b*tch she is!

later, sis...

Bookworm said...

Welcome Back!

InshaAlla your plan will keep on motivating you into doing what you want. And its good that you're keeping track - a step to self improvement.

"Don’t expect much of people and you won’t be disappointed.” may be a bit cynical or pessimistic, but that's how I've been 'looking' at ppl in the past few years. I find that at least this way you can be objective about some things - and when ppl like that coach say anything, you ignore them cuz u know that what they say is never going to make a difference with you.

I can totally see Bu6i being spoilt..

& Congrats on finishing your first sem!! Other than the Islamic you've done great mashaAlla. Way to go =)

(Whoa - long comment)

the munchKins- said...

SubhanAllah, what a difference it makes when we look at ourselves as being "blessed"...:D I loved the second to last paragraph..I really did! Ma'shaAllah!

Congratulations- on everything :D *Your mom's plans, your little bro.finishing one semester...everything!*

-da twins