Sunday, March 25, 2007

Nameless Post 111

Haven’t felt like posting in a while.. I was really depressed and frustrated with life. Everything about it, especially with the things I have no control over. I was losing interest in everything and it seemed anything I turned to to relieve or at least ease my frustration was either wrong or increased it. A great way to feel in the middle of midterm exam time. I’m not sure if it was the reason but for sure it must be part of the reason I failed the Islamic Culture exam – that and the fact I can’t stay awake during that class to save my damn life. (In the end the professor gave each of us – all of his students- 3 points, which was enough to lift me and a few other girls out of failure… In my opinion I still failed.)

The last thing I wanted to do was go to uni. When I’m in that mood I just lock myself in my room for hours at a time.. sometimes even for days straight. I’d regret accumulating all those absences if I stayed home these past 2 weeks so I was forced to go to school. I hated every minute of it and every thing and body annoyed me. I was living only for the moment I could get on the bus and return to my sanctuary.

I get picked up from the first stop on the busses route. Among the many advantages of being the first on the bus (after getting whatever seat I want) is getting to observe those who board the bus after me. I do it all the time. For more than a week I had completely ignored everyone on the bus and just stared out the window. Last Thursday I don’t know why but I found myself observing my bus mates as they boarded. I noticed that most of them get dropped at the stop by either one or both of their parents. It irritated my mood greatly. I was near turning away when I noticed one of the girls who always sits across the aisle from me. (by pure chance sometimes, no matter what bus we board or what row I sit in…heck even the times cuz lots of students have different schedules and go home at different times so that usually means on different buses – it is rare when I don’t see her on the bus.) I suspect she’s a freshman like me. We always get on the bus between 6:40 and 7:00 am which means we have to get up pretty early every morning. Anywayz, despite the earliness of the hour she always boards greeting everyone with a huge smile and amazing bounce in her step - just brimming with energy and eagerness to see what the next day of uni will bring. One of her parents drops her at the stop every morning as well but I seriously doubt that could be the reason for her bright mood every morning, maybe part of the reason… (Mashalla Alayha – I hope she continues to be bright every morning…amen ya rabb) Seeing her made me think.. think in a way that I hadn’t been thinking in the past two weeks. It made me realize that while everyone has things going on in their lives that they can’t control there are still plenty of things that they do have control over. These past few weeks I was letting all the things I have no control over get to me and the anger and frustration I was feeling due to that was causing me to lose control over the things that a person normally has control of. I’ve said before that I’m not normally a competitive person. Though that feeling of competitiveness bites me from time to time, sometimes over things totally trivial to other people. I couldn’t stand what my anger was turning me into and I certainly wasn’t about to lose to Miss Bright and Cheery on the bus. From that moment I resolved myself to control what is within my power and ability to control – completely. I desperately needed to loosen the tension that had built up. A certain good friend of mine decided we should go play tennis together – something we hadn’t done in ages. It was relaxing and for the first time in these long two weeks I felt happy. It was as if all my frustration, anger and problems were locked out of the court and all that remained was the relaxed feeling of being free. I tried to explain how grateful I was to my friend for coming out and playing with me but all I could come up with was that it was appreciated. Appreciated doesn’t seem like the right word. In the end I guess it’s a feeling that can’t be described or put into words. I hope that she always finds someone there for her when she is in need of a friend.

It’s only 10 pm but already I feel the urge to sleep.. This will be one of the few times I give in easily to the urge without a mini-war.

I’m exhausted.
(Btw, this post really is number 111)

1 comment:

katheria said...

I often get competitive for similar reasons too. I'm glad you found a reason to take control of what you can. Be happy! :)