Thursday, October 29, 2009

Change..

I wanna leap. The truth is, I'm terrified of what happens - or might happen - afterward. Not knowing scares me. I know it's impossible for any of us to know but even if I did know, I'd probably still be afraid. I'm the girl who hates change. Any and all kinds of change. The mere thought of changing even the simplest things that most people wouldn't bat an eye at nauseates me. And yet, I still cling to the very edge with this burning desire to just let go. "Change is good." I can chant a million consecutive times over to myself but in the end I always find some new reason no matter how insignificant or trifling to cling to my edge. It infuriates me that in all of these years I still haven't figured out what it is that I truly want. My actions and words are nothing more but huge contradictions of each other. At times I find it easier to pretend I have everything all figured out simply because the reality isn't something I wanna face. I point the finger in every direction but in the end it always leads to the one person I want it not to point to. It's become a cycle, I turn it over and over in my head, I don't get the answer I want, I get frustrated, and blame everyone around- be it family or friends - for my frustration. Sometimes I still naively believe that if we hadn't drifted apart I could talk to her and she'd help me figure things out. A fresh perspective and unclouded judgment was what I loved most. I still catch myself in the process of dialing her, my pride gets in the way though. She couldn't/can't be bothered to answer my calls or even afford the common courtesy to at least return them when she isn't busy, I am so not going to chase after her. But who am I kidding, in the first place she isn't obligated to do any of that and in the end it is me that needs to realize that change is going to happen whether i like it or not. No one is going to wait on the edge with me when they see their turn to leap. I understand that but always believe the next person I meet will be the one that laughs insanely while telling me it's ok not to leap and it's ok to be afraid...

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