Saturday, April 28, 2007

Something on My Mind

I found out just last week that one of my classmates father died when she was a kid (11 years old). Even though I know it was a long time ago I still felt really bad for her. It rekindled a thought that I always used to think about even as a kid: Which is better, better as in less painful, to have a father that passes away when ur old enough to remember or to have a father and he’s really an animal – as in abusive/indifferent/mean or super strict without reason. Or to not know ur father at all (as in u don’t know who he is even, just have a name but no face to go with that name or he walks out on u when ur young and u never hear from him again).

I wonder if my classmate thinks about her father often or is that something that with time u don’t really give it much thought anymore.

My grandmother (mother’s mother) died not too long ago in 2004 (I think). She had Alzheimer’s. It was sad that she died, but I can’t honestly say I felt deeply pained about it, I mean yeah I feel sad if anybody dies but when she died it was just that normal feeling of sadness I feel for anybody that dies not like hey that was a relative of mine and she died and I’m not going to see her anymore. Yeah I know that sounds downright awful. But I never knew her really. For as long as I can remember she’s always been in bed in my grandfather’s house on respiration machines (I vaguely remember a time before she was on the respiration machines when she used to come out in a wheelchair and sit at the table with us. I don’t remember her ever talking. She’d just have ice cream – strawberry flavor) and then the last time I saw her was when I was 12. We moved away from the city my Grandparents lived in and went “down south” and afterwards moved over here. Anyways my point is I probably thought about it for the rest of the month or whatever and after a year her death was hardly on my mind. That’s why I wonder (even though I’m sure my classmate was much closer to her father than I was with my Grandmother) if she still thinks about her dad?

Heck, I’m thinking as I’m writing and I’m coming to the conclusion that she probably does. It was years ago that he died but 11 years was enough time to really feel his death when he died (Allah Yarhamhu). I wonder what kinda dad he was?

Gosh, I’m really a horrible person.. there are so many questions on my mind that I want to ask – thank God for the shred of shame I have, at least to know it’s untactful to go and ask such questions.

If a Psychology Major course doesn’t open here I’ll concede and study it through distance learning..

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