#ICantLiveWithout

#HKD

One of my best friends. I really really really love her. And even though we fight over stupid things and I get furious with her, truth is, she's become one of the people that I really can't live without. I can say I don't care when I'm angry at her, but I do, so much that my mood gets effected.

She's one of the few people that I would give everything I have and more just to never see her upset or uncomfortable in anyway. She's lucky to have someone like me *LOL cocky-confidence* - I too am lucky to have her in my life. When she's happy I feel happy. I can be in a horribly fucked up mood and then I'll see her laughing or smiling or see a pic of her doing either and I'd actually feel better.

I love to make her laugh. *heart* 

I really wish one day an awesome, caring, handsome, insanely rich guy would come for her - then there are days that I feel like there is not a single guy out there good enough for her. Can such a well rounded guy like that even exist - and not be gay, taken or Jewish?? I pray a lot for her, that's one of the things I keep praying for and Inshallah I'm hoping that is one prayer that will be accepted.

10 things I really love about her?

1. She loves me also (and she said it first XD)
2. Her laugh, her smile
3. Her love for eating what I cook (especially burgers and pasta)
4. How she gets lost in her own 79a world and is oblivious to her surroundings (sometimes that's the very thing that gets me so angry at her)
5. Her hugs *heart*
6. Her willingness to help (if she realizes you need it - God help you when she doesn't)
7. How much she loves her Humpty XD (I love her humpty too :D )
8. She's not one of those hopeless 5aroofas with a string of 5aroofs hanging off her ass
9. Her love for sleep (Its really cute XD )
10. Her scent (she always chooses great perfumes. soft, warm with a hint of action)

Graduation day is fast approaching and the thought is just so bittersweet. For every time I hit my head on the wall and asked myself what the hell led me to change my major to MIS, I remember that everything happens for a reason and had I stayed in English Lit major a lot of events leading up to meeting HKD would have never happened. Al7amdillah for everything, if I had the chance to go back and change anything, I would leave it all just as it is :D

Ya rab la t7rimni minha 2bdan w la yrini feeha b2san ybkeeni

I love you HKD gad al kown :*        

December 9 2012

Really happy for one of my oldest close friends. She had a baby girl on Sunday morning. It's premature. Inshallah everything will be fine tho. I'm praying for her and her daughter.

I feel like I'm an aunt - again XD I love kids. True they are brats when they scream for no bloody reason, but I guess to them they feel like they have a reason and its just up to us to try and understand that.

Noor. I like that name <3 any="any" around="around" as="as" aunt="aunt" be="be" evil="evil" grin="grin" hope="hope" i="i" inshallah="inshallah" ll="ll" noor="noor" p="p" spoil="spoil" to="to" would="would">

Top 10 Books Based off Movies

The ten best books based on movies are turnarounds of the old formula of book to film. Most book adaptations from films are a sleazy way to collect more bucks from fans who are fooled into thinking that the novel came first or young children eager to read more about the film characters and could care less which came first the film or the book. Comedian and film director Woody Allen commented in film on this practice through a film character married to a woman who writes film to book adaptations. The character found the practice "ridiculous." 

1. "Starman" by Alan Dean Foster. The film tells the story of a man sent from space to help the poor Earthlings out. It's a romance, science fiction work and a family tale. The book follows the film action with a little bit of everything for all reading ages. 
2. "The Princess Diaries" by Meg Cabot. When a teen or tween or even twee film attracts viewers in large numbers, the studio usually puts out a book using the title. The diaries here follow the live of a teen girl who moves up in the world as a princess. Nice work, if you can get it. 
3. The "Star Trek" series of books by Alan Dean Foster. More novelizations going on here by author Foster. This time it's the classic television show that is written up as novels for the film series. 
4. "Gremlins" by Gipe. Steven Spielberg produced the film and Gipe wrote up the series of film novels that took the concept a zillion steps further. The gremlins of film should not be confused with the books by author Roald Dahl by the same name. 
5. "E.T." by William Kotzwinkle and others. The Spielberg touch is evident again in this best book based on the successful "E.T." film following the exploits of an extra-terrestrial being. The "E.T." series of novels keeps on giving to young readers. 
6. "The Black Hole" by Alan Dean Foster. Space is the focus for this best book based on a movie. Basic questions of science and the impact of the gravitational field of this physical phenomena. Add a little human drama and you have the Foster novel for this film. 
7. "Pale Rider" by Alan Dean Foster.The master author for film is back again in this novel recreating the western film by Clint Eastwood. It's a stark West described in this fiction piece. 
8. "2001" by Arthur C. Clarke. This book was published concurrently with the film release, but it was written as the film was under production, so it is based on the movie and qualified for this ten best books based on movies list. Director Stanley Kubric shares screenplay honors with Clarke for the film. 
9. "Bram Stoker's Dracula" by mystery author. Director Francis Ford Coppola's film recreation of the original Bram Stoker classic about a human, or not so human, blood sucker. Without any royalties to be made from the original novel in the popular domain, the studio heads determined that a new book was a ticket to the bank. Rather than let moviegoers cry, "Fowl!" the novel uses the clever title giving Stoker partial credit for the written word. Even with the various changes, the book qualifies as a best book based on a movie due to Stoker's original prose. 
10. "Logan's Run" by William F. Nolan and George Clayton Johnson. Published with the film release of the movie of the same name in 1976, this novel follows the escape of Logan from a world where life has turned into a modern hell of advanced technology and government intrusion into the lives of every day citizens. 

***Taken from: http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/genres-movies/drama/10-best-books-based-on-movies/

@FuchiAbdullah

I love twitter. Despite it's 140 character word limit, I love it. Everything about it. there isn't quite anything like it. I do quite a bit of posting there these days and I'm guessing the word limit has a lot to do with that. It's both restrictive and freeing at the same time - if that makes any sense at all. Some things just can't be shortened, like what I'm about to post about now. I considered making multiple tweets, but for the sake of continuity (and less hassle - plus I kinda missed this ole blog) I decided this deserves a blog post.

I titled this post after the twitter handle of one of my very dearest dorm (well former dorm) mates, Fa6ma. I think she knows or at least has a very good idea why she has a very special place in my heart, it seems it's everyone else who has the big question mark over their head. All of my friends from the dorm are special in their own way so it's kinda understandable for one to wonder what makes her extra special.

Being a person that gets accustomed to routine and familiarity of places, moving to the dorm for the first time in Fall semester 2010 was disastrous for me. I only knew one girl there and she seemed preoccupied when I first moved in. Other dormies can literally smell "fresh fish" and I didn't really realize that the dorm area was females only at night, so whenever I would go out to walk around I always dressed fully in abaya and shayla. Oh how they stared. My roommate was weird. I had been kinda excited about the prospect of having a roommate and thought since we shared a room we might become friends. She turned out to not really be the type to socialize with people she didn't really know. I tried for a bit but gave up after a week or so cuz she just seemed more content to stay silently on her side of the room rather than converse with me. It was the most awkward and uncomfortable situation. No freedom to go out in a car and hang out with my outside friends whenever I wanted with the heavenly curfew of 10pm, dorm area walks consisted of awkward stares like I was some exotic zoo creature, and there was only so much staring at my computer screen I could do. There was one friend from outside that would constantly chat with me and check up on me on BBM but I still felt extra lonely.

After a few weeks of sleepless nights and crying into my pillow, I decided to bake. It was calming and helpful to be the only one wandering around at 3 am baking to my heart's content. One night I decided to back chocolate chip cookies. There were a lot. I figured I ought to sell them, they were the best I'd ever made.I figured no one would buy random cookies from someone they don't know, so I decided I'd take a few bags over to the one person I knew in the dorm. I knew she knew plenty if not everyone and she would surely put in a good word for me. I gave her a bag and she took me to her room were she introduced me to Fuchi (Fa6ma) and their friend Hessa. I had met her sister a few times before, but never really paid much attention to her and certainly never recognized her if she wasn't pointed out to me by her sister. I sat in their room for a while and it was Fuchi who decided to buy the very first bag of cookies from me #heart (well there were a group of pj clad girls I ran into in the hallway on my way to Fuchi's dorm, they brought a bag for Three Dirhams which was technically a charity since I was trying to sell the bag for ten dirhams so that really didn't count. On their account they did say they would put a good word out for me..)

Fuchi's sister was usually busy so I found myself alone with her and Hessa whenever I went to their dorm. A few times I would feel shy to always come to their room, maybe they wanted privacy or something (I felt like rooms were like homes, and that maybe they might grow tired of my repeated visits). When I would show up again after a few days Fuchi would always ask where was I and why didn't I come. In the dorm we have a curfew, by 12 am we should be in our own buildings because the supervisors lock the doors. I was always super careful to get to my dorm by no later than 11:30pm and whenever I would start to gather my things and leave Fuchi's dorm building she would always ask me why did I have to go. Lol at that time I had no idea there were *options* hahahaha.

The next semester Fuchi's sister left. By that time I had made friends with exactly one other girl who lived in the dorm building across from mine. I still wasn't convinced it was ok to go hang around Fuchi's room every night, so I started to hang out with that girl from across the way. She told me its ok to not go to my dorm building till late. The first time we were watching shows and I stayed til 12. The next time it was till 1 am. And after that I stayed til 4 am. It became somewhat of a habit. Then one day Fuchi called me in the afternoon and asked why hadn't I been coming to their room. I said I didn't realize she wanted me around. She laughed at me and insisted I come that night and sit with them. That was the beginning of many fun nights. She and Hessa would take me around to meet their other friends from their dorm building. There were many of them, I couldn't keep track of names / faces / relations (some had sisters in the dorm with them). It was fun though. Fuchi never failed to call me whenever I didn't show up.

By the following summer semester I was roommate-less and often didn't mind sitting alone and enjoying having the room to myself. Fuchi took it upon herself to ping me (on BBM), msg, call or physically show up to bang down my door and drag me out to either walk around in the dorm area and be silly with them or go to a party. No matter how big or small their fun was, Fuchi always remembered to ask about me and drag me along.For the first time in my life I felt like someone actually cared that I was around. I felt like I was part of their group of friends and not just some random outsider.

One evening before the weekend I was feeling extra crappy and depressed. I don't even remember what the reason was but then everyone went home for the weekend and I sat in my room alone till my brother came and decided to drop me at the mall. It was my favorite mall (DFC) but even that didn't make me feel any better. I found a place to sit and although he wouldn't be back for a few hours I stayed there. I hadn't been talking to anyone and out of the blue my phone rang. It was Fuchi. She never called me on the weekend. I assumed she must want something to be calling. After all, most people only called me if they needed a favor or wanted something. I answered, she asked about me. I thought she was just being polite.I was wondering when she would get to the part where people ask for something. It never came.She was suggesting things to do to feel better and telling me not to stay angry etc. In the end of the call she was preparing to hang up and she still hadn't mentioned anything she wanted. So I asked her if she had called for something. She said no she was just worried about me and wanted to check on me. It was the sweetest thing ever and a call I will never forget.

That call and the fact that she always, no matter what, remembered to include me in any fun they were having is mainly the reason I don't leave anything fi 5a6rha. For my friends in general if I know they need something I will do anything to help them, but Fuchi didn't wait to become my friend to be nice to me #heart

She will always have a special place in my heart and no one ever has the right to question why because I think what I have written here is more than reasons enough.

Allah la y7rimni minha 2bdan #heart

The World is Indeed Flat

I would know, considering I fell off of the edge and returned..

Seriously feels that way. I honestly don't know why I stopped blogging. There is plenty to blog about.

It's senior year baaaaaaybeeeh!

(Random but I had to write it *hopeless*)

I have mixed feelings about that. Graduation needs to happen. Since my last post, I've moved to the dorms and have been commuting back and forth between Qatar (where my folks moved) and UAE.

Dorm life has been different, nothing like what I imagined it would be. It has its ups and downs but in the end its just like any other roller coaster ride, you just have to sit back and enjoy cuz when all is said and done and you find yourself back home you can be sure you'll miss it like hell.

Senior year seemed so far away till it finally came around, now it seems to have come from no where and it's got me thinking. Thinking the notorious senior question "What comes next?"

Normally a senior ought to be thinking of where they want to work, we have to choose a company to intern at this month. I want to intern here in UAE, not sure which emirate if I did. The option is open to intern in a company in Qatar. There are plus sides to both and while the decision is unimportant enough to flip a coin on, I think I might go with listing the pros and cons and pretend I'm one of those super responsible folk who actually put deep thought into things like that.

I'm bored. God damn the thieving pig who stole my PS2, all its games AND the memory card (may they be triple damned just for that).

I'll be blogging more from today.

|| Dont hold your breath on that.||

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...

Outside of UoS ((Meshy alhal)).. Inside of UoS "hal" doesn't "meshy" at all. On the contrary it is quite constipated. Indeed I wonder if ole chancellor Sam still possesses the reins of UoS or is it that good ole UoS has poor Sam by the reins. Pause.

So after a few semesters, one can actually get used to making pilgrimage to the once "forbidden wing" of the sprawling UoS campus. So, hal is meshying all is well and good in the world then *bam* 4 month summer holis and UoS flings its doors open once again to welcome back returning zombies and new-blood-soon-to-be-zombies. Quite the welcome indeed. While we were all off chilling in various corners (and some out the country corners) UoS was having a free fall all dig party. Internal uni roads suddenly looked like Sharjah in its digging hey-day; complete with detour cones, red and white detour ropes and of course huge no HUGE sand mountains.

Parking was bad before, enter new fall semester with the usual staggering numbers of new bloods - and it seems each one of them was given a set of wheels (no matter how beat down those wheels may have been... I did see someone come in a Ferarri today) to bring along to uni. Get there anytime after 8 -heck probably from 7:30, and you'll find yourself contemplating parking in AUS, since parking in any place other than a designated white lined parking spot at UoS will get your car tire-locked by the ever dutiful security chaps.

There was this huge empty area behind the new library UoS has erected. They had torn up all the grass and looked like they were measuring it out for something. They didn't dig down to put in foundations and building stuff so I thought it was safe to rejoice. They were actually going to skip the stupid process they have of turning big area into huge unnecessary lavish landscaping - don't get me wrong, I love an awesome landscape but at some point acres and acres of it gets to be a bit much and hey why put up 5 date trees while suffering parking shortage when one could just put up 2 trees and more parking spaces...

My rejoicing was short lived. Their measuring ended and they started planting fresh gorgeous looking date trees. 1, 2, 3, 4,...9.. 15 O_o WTF. UoS, 3n Jad?! We need parking spots not a flipping date tree forest! Over the next few days I noticed they were carefully measuring spaces between the trees and that the trees didn't actually in fact cover the whole area. "Great!" I thought. There's hope for this place yet... or so I thought. I imagined I saw the part were cars would drive in cuz like there was a break in the trees surrounding the perimeter, but I also noticed they hadn't removed the curb from the side walk so like cars could drive there. Everyday I passed thinking they'll get to it. A shipment of huge decorative ground tiles came in. I figured maybe they'll use those for the edges or something. Ha, after a few days they started putting those down. :: Palm to face :: .. It dawned on me that they were doing some sort of memorial-ish looking area. I got a BB msg mentioning a rumor that they were constructing valet parking. I laughed, and laughed, paused and laughed again. I figured it was an insanely ludicrous rumor and nothing more.

A month later, much wiser. Should have known better. UoS committee of campus beautification (ultra ultra top secret committee that few know exist ::checks over shoulder for sniper:: ) voted against making uni student life one less hassle free- by building a multi-story car park and instead gave the ok to valet parking.. pause. pause. pause. pause.pause. UoS is a university by the way. As a matter of fact, UoS stands for University of Sharjah.

I'm not quite sure but mall, hotel and other places of rest & relaxation/entertainment are all short words. Can one really mistake a huge long word like u-n-i-v-e-r-s-i-t-y for something like m-a-l-l? I didn't really think so.. Last I checked universities didn't have "valet parking". I'm starting to wonder if maybe we'll get a cinema with gold class and maybe an indoor ski ramp or a water park next semester. Lord knows they'll need a 'project' to work on once the library and memorial /valet parking area are complete..

It's kind of weird but I've suddenly realized, while looking at UoS's facebook page, that I do indeed still love UoS. Despite its many quirks (and jerks - Allah ygharbl ibleesk ya wld alshgra Doc J). No harm no foul right? Guess we'll all graduate stronger people ;)

...

"Ku-dos" said EH

I'm seriously clapping my hands in applause - like seriously. UAE dives down the rabbit hole and The Royal Kingdom of Saudi Arabia dives in right behind 'em. I hope the royal court of hearts has enough tea down there, its going to be a looooooooooong winter.

Shot Heard Around the World

I used to hide away and only try to save myself
From falling in love or staying up on the shelf
I was afraid to walk the streets alone or by your side
Just waiting up for something that could save my life

No, there's no way out, stuck inside my head now
Headed for a break down when I should be headed for the door

'Cause I found out there's no such thing as a miracle, a miracle
And I know you can't hide, it's the shot heard 'round the world
Lights out, there's no such thing as a miracle, a miracle
But baby don't cry, it's the shot heard 'round the world

If we could light up every street with our cellular phones
Then maybe we can save ourselves or maybe we won't
But it doesn't even matter if we got no plan
As long as you're holding on to somebody's hand

Because a way out, stuck inside your head now
But I know we can break out if we can all just step outside the door

'Cause I found out there's no such thing as a miracle, a miracle
And I know you can't hide, it's the shot heard 'round the world
Lights out, there's no such thing as a miracle, a miracle
But baby don't cry, it's the shot heard 'round the world

I'm gonna kiss the sky tonight, maybe you should try it
I'm gonna learn to fly tonight and you're invited
'Cause all the things that we've become are making me so fucking numb
And this time I have had enough
Goodbye and say hello to the end of the world

I found out there's no such thing as a miracle, a miracle
And I know you can't hide, it's the shot heard 'round the world
Lights out, there's no such thing as a miracle, a miracle
But baby don't cry, it's the shot heard 'round the world
Lights out, there's no such thing as a miracle, a miracle
But baby don't cry, it's the shot heard 'round the world

Disclaimer: I don't own this song. I just thought the lyrics suited my mood perfectly and wud serve as the perfect post for this sucky month. Thanx s for sharing.

Ciprimil

To what extent does the benefit of feeling every emotion outweigh not feeling anything at all? I find myself asking that same question almost every night. To love, to be happy, to feel pride in something done or joy over an accomplishment, those are good feelings. Fleeting moments which fill us with hope and optimism. But in the end, they are merely fleeting moments which come and go. Sometimes the time between those 'good' moments is prolonged and for a time nothing seems right. For some people they can carry enough hope and optimism to last them till the next time a good moment is upon them. But what happens to the others who have no such stores?

I ask myself, if given the choice - to feel or not to feel? Which would I choose? I certainly would not miss any emotions if I had the opportunity to rid myself of them. Even the ones that are supposed to be good do nothing more than cause pain. What would an emotionless person care if no one trusted them, or if people told them the truth or not. Feelings of being alone would probably go unnoticed. Things people say or the way they treated you wouldn't matter. To feel nothing would be the most awesome feeling ever. It's unfortunate a way to accomplish that has yet to be discovered. I would settle for them to be 'dulled' , as it is referred to, because as of the past couple of restless nights, I neither want emotions nor see any need for them.

Wanted

Best friend wanted..

Description:

» Honest

» Sense of humor

» Positive

» Pessimistic

» Classy

» Spontaneous

» Fun

» Free spirited

» Believes

» Outspoken

» Non-conformist

» Not afraid to show emotions

» Sincere

» Loyal

» Knows when to shut up and listen

» Knows what I'm thinking even when I don't say it

» Knows when to lecture

» Trusts me

» Feels comfortable enough to confide in me

» Comfortable with me confiding in them

» Doesn't block me out

» Takes me seriously

» Can forgive me if I wrong them

» And if they can't forgive, at least hear me out and allow me to earn back their respect

Those are the first things that come to mind, I'm pretty sure their is more.. Maybe I should start my own reality game show like Paris and Brody (Ha) - I wonder how long the winning contestants lasted as their best friends..

Royal Ad

This is the commercial featuring Saudi Prince Abdullah bin Meteb that has Saudi undies in a bunch. People ought to save their complaints for things that actually warrant complaining..

The jumping horse brought someone to mind. Controversy aside, I'll dedicate this post to K ;) Enjoy =)

Everyone Isnt a Tin Man

Keep treating people like they don't matter and one day when you reach out for them they will be gone.

I Dont Wanna Be Anything Other than what I've been trying to be lately

(That line was stuck in my head, so I just had to use it as the post's title...)

1. I like LOVE speed.

2. I take a simple word, phrase, sentence or situation and over-process it then turn around and ponder some more about it. (Not a good thing most times...)

3. 95% of the time I like to be alone, but in the other 5% connection with others becomes almost as important as breathing.

4. Lately, I've become obsessed with dieting and changing my image.

5. Thanx to my afghan friend, I crave 'mantoo' (afghan cuisine: non-vegetarian steamed dumplings topped with 'dhal' and yogurt ) every morning. I'm going to have to learn to make it one day..

6. I read trashy mags for creative inspiration.

7. I often find myself wishing I was a colder person and didn't get affected or moved by guilt or remorse for things I've done. I suppose it is a good thing sometimes, but to some extent it just becomes bothersome.

OMG

Our spring break officially starts today. I swear I have no idea what I'm going to do with all this break time ^^ - well besides sleep like a dead dog =P

I feel genuinely happy =D

UOS - The Low Cost AUS

I had an interesting day today. Interesting days are rare. Partly the reason I've come to love Thursdays. They're just so full of random spontaneous events and occurrences.

I got to my beloved university early today though hot Dr. J (another post for another time) canceled all Thursday sessions until later on in the semester when we have to do presentations. I had some time to kill so I kinda bummed around in the car till my Global Marketing class at 2. So anyways, I'm not sure if I mentioned it here before but UoS had started "co-eding" some of its colleges (at first claiming financial crisis was the reason - ha I bet if this was during the time of petrol/gas prices being raised they'd blame that also.) though it was pretty obvious that was a well crafted false-hood when they added the college of business to the co-eding agenda. So yeah, in UoS's version of "co-ed" the girls are required to make pilgrimage to the guys' campus and sit in classrooms amongst fellow male mates with a wooden joke of a partition (seriously it was a JOKE it stood like barely elbow high and when one stands up the guys are right there.) and 2 entrance classrooms with signs on each entrance designating which is for the guys and which is for the girls. (I don't think anyone bothers reading them cuz we all enter from whichever door is closest regardless of what it's labeled). I remember telling my classmate the first time I saw the partition that it wasn't going to last and by the next semester we'd be sitting in the guys' laps and all would be right in the world.

How ((almost)) right I was (only off by timing). When we walked into the classroom for GM (which is on the guys' campus) the partition was goner than gone. Took a moment to figure out what was different in the classroom. I couldn't help but laugh. My classmate who walked in after me gasped and gasped then gasped again. She was fuming, raging, boiling. She kept going on about how could they do that. How could they take down The Great Wall. I told her she shouldn't be surprised considering it was only just last semester I told her they were going to tear it down and have us lapping up. Seriously, she ought to save her gasping for the co-ed mixer parties, complete with spiked punch, we'll soon be having. Then they'll make the dorms co-ed. YAYs~!

It's amusing and sad at the same time but hey its not MY personal uni so why should I give a damn if 'Chancellor Sam' leads the once reputable institution down the toilet just to prove that he, like Obama, can and has brought about 'change'. In the end (though it actually has already started and is in full motion, case in point being the group of like 10 freshies that sat around a table in the cafeteria and egged a girl on as she danced on top of said table shakira style - and yes there were male professors passing around and we have male food servers in some of the outlets) anyone with any bit of class or self respect is going to either a) send their offspring to the REAL AUS or b) send them abroad where there are real segregated unis that aren't trying to compromise their original purposes and bullshit everyone into thinking they need to co-ed.

I mean don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with co-ed unis IMHO. The problem is when an institution that was built with one purpose and is chosen by most for that purpose (like segregation) goes and decides just like that, that they need to 'modernize'. There is nothing backward about segregation of the sexes. Just look at the countless segregated colleges and universities around the world. I can think of 3 off the top of my head. Bresica (canada), another one that I forgot the name of in Australia and another in Columbia SC (USA). Their chancellors, even though they aren't even muslim, aren't running around trying to 'modernize' them by co-eding (which if you think about it is BS, cuz to modernize is to update outdated facilities or bring in new majors that may not have been previously offered in the region). People want co-ed, there are other institutions for that. Same here. People want co-ed there is no shortage of co-ed unis here. It wasn't a necessity to make UoS a co-ed institution. But like I said, it's not my uni to decide what goes and what doesn't, though, it will be amusing to see how Chancellor Sam will cover his ass when his great modernization move back fires and UoS loses what remains of its dwindling reputation.

I Love Thursdays, they are just so random ~

We used to be friends, a long time ago

They kiss and make up. That's what friends do. Or so I'm told. I mean it usually goes, I apologize for harsh tone or harsh words used when my temper flares and she accepts. She always accepts. Accepts that yes I was the one out of line or too hot blooded and that yes it's nice that I realize that and apologize.

It seems to never occur to her that my apologizing solves nothing. On average we fight almost every month and every single time it's about the same damned thing (just slightly different context). The last fight we had was a couple of days ago. I was so done. I told her I was done and she said fine. Not 'ok, because we are friends let's try and work things out as friends.' She said "fine". If she wasn't going to give a damn why should I? I told myself I wasn't going to care anymore. I mean after all it seems to be a common fault with all of my so called friends so why the hell should I be bothered by one more sharing the common fault demoninator? Against my aforementioned intentions, Z convinced me otherwise. She made good points despite one of them being that friends should always talk out their differences. I used to believe that even when I never could actually muster up the nerve to do it. Then when I finally did, that friendship completely dissolved faster than 'kool aid' in water - and apparently by social technicality the fault is placed on me. That's exactly the sorta crap that pisses me off and I feel like if that's what it comes down to who needs friends? Their was a time when I only had online friends. No real life physical there in your face friends. No work, no drama and I could honestly say I never felt that empty hallow feeling that real life friends leave. I miss those days.

I don't even know why I'm writing all of this. In the end it changes nothing and people will be people. Boredom and being alone are the two worst sucking combination.

'09

2009, Two Thousand Nine, '09.. It's almost surreal how fast it blew by. Can't really say I'm actually saddened by its departure though. I was getting tired of writing '09 anyways. Seeing as this is probably going to be the final post of '09 this would usually be the post where a blogger jots down a few resolutions for the new year. Useless. Utterly useless for me who needs a new resolution almost daily - getting out of bed in the mornings is more and more becoming a loathesome chore. Daily resolutions are my bargaining chip that make it that much easier to get out of bed. So yeah, no new years resolutions for me.
With this I wave off '09 and acknowledge '010 / 20-10 / 2010 - however it may be called with a respectful nod.

Sticky Note to '010: Don't put 100% faith or expectations in anyone but YOURSELF, cuz in the end you'll be 100% disappointed.

Retards...

This is our classroom for e-commerce, its also the classroom for several other classes. When we had our e-com exam that wasn't there - I would know, that's my place. After exam week I noticed it. UoS-er's should be ashamed, if you are going to cheat at least try to be a little less obvious with it. (Though i guess if they were that dumb to need cheating in the first place they wouldn't be smart enough to be creative about it)

Change..

I wanna leap. The truth is, I'm terrified of what happens - or might happen - afterward. Not knowing scares me. I know it's impossible for any of us to know but even if I did know, I'd probably still be afraid. I'm the girl who hates change. Any and all kinds of change. The mere thought of changing even the simplest things that most people wouldn't bat an eye at nauseates me. And yet, I still cling to the very edge with this burning desire to just let go. "Change is good." I can chant a million consecutive times over to myself but in the end I always find some new reason no matter how insignificant or trifling to cling to my edge. It infuriates me that in all of these years I still haven't figured out what it is that I truly want. My actions and words are nothing more but huge contradictions of each other. At times I find it easier to pretend I have everything all figured out simply because the reality isn't something I wanna face. I point the finger in every direction but in the end it always leads to the one person I want it not to point to. It's become a cycle, I turn it over and over in my head, I don't get the answer I want, I get frustrated, and blame everyone around- be it family or friends - for my frustration. Sometimes I still naively believe that if we hadn't drifted apart I could talk to her and she'd help me figure things out. A fresh perspective and unclouded judgment was what I loved most. I still catch myself in the process of dialing her, my pride gets in the way though. She couldn't/can't be bothered to answer my calls or even afford the common courtesy to at least return them when she isn't busy, I am so not going to chase after her. But who am I kidding, in the first place she isn't obligated to do any of that and in the end it is me that needs to realize that change is going to happen whether i like it or not. No one is going to wait on the edge with me when they see their turn to leap. I understand that but always believe the next person I meet will be the one that laughs insanely while telling me it's ok not to leap and it's ok to be afraid...